Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
