okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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