Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
