whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
