we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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