There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
