Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
