she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
