So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
