mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
you inspire me to be a worse person
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Randomize
