At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
