I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
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He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
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my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
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