News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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