so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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