yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
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