I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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