the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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