3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
