i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
