i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
