I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
