turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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