When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So gin and wine won't be happening again
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
