Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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