my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
