I just threw up on my dentist
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
