i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
