I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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