Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
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Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
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I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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