the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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