Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
