My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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