So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
