I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
