everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
