Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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