mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
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And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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