she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
