I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
