Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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