Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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