It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
