Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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