My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
