So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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