ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
