I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
