my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
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The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
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THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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