So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Text me some of your sweat
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
