Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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