K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
