Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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