That's intense
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
